This quarantine confronts us with various kind of powerlessness.
Mainly we are being deprived of our freedom: to move, socialise, meet. We are coerced to furnish our cave as best ad we can , the toll for not doing so being madness. And it’s hard.
A particular kind of powerlessness about which I was brooding this morning while I was cycling on my mill is the relational type. It is that particular kind for which, when the significant other fdoesn’t feel well, either I have done something wrong, or I must be able to do something in order to make him/her feel better. Otherwise I will not feel good as well.
It’s a heinous powerlessness, linked tightly with omnipotence. None of us has the power/responsibility to make someone feel something. Sensations and emotions belong to me, it is impossible that someone else “makes me feel” something.
This kind of attitude comes from our attachment style history, namely that first bond that we develop when we begin our lives.
I HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY (therefore the power) to make the other person feel good, otherwise I am inadequate and not lovable.
There is a gender gap talking about this: we, men, say “tell me the what’s the problem, I will fix it” . We feel lost without a problem , because we are not so eager to consider the fact that it might be enough just be there for the other person, without doing anything. Talking is also a sort of action, so we’re not so willing to be in silence, either.
We all need time and space to allow our processes to happen, what this moment of cohertion is underlining are powerful emotional swings, powerful and “fast”. As if our heartbeat were going at a faster pace non only under stress, but steadily.
What can we learn from this?
* Get fit and trained in being with the other person’s mood and emotions , without feeling compelled to fix it or direct them somewhere else
* Become aware of how it makes us feel. When the other is not feeling good, or he/she is angry for his/her own reasons, where do I “go”, how do I feel?
Is not the other making me feel something, but it is ME feeling sad/angry/afraid, for instance, when the other is sad.
What does this sadness say about me (or whatever I am feeling)? At this point we can (maybe) meet authentically, each with his/her own emotion. Without giving the other any responsibility, or taking on anything that doesn’t belong to us
I hope that what I am writing id clear, please do write me if it’s not. Stay safe.